Already Eight

Sweet little Sammi. You are eight months old. Before too much time passes I just wanted to jot down a few thoughts.

You are such a little joy. In the last couple of months you have really mellowed. You are pretty much just a content little bundle of sweetness. Unless you're very hungry or tired. Then you let us know!

Your smile lights up the room. I love all it's different variations. The wide mouthed delighted beam, the crinkle-nosed grin, the eyes downcast shy smile, the half-hearted sleepy twitch, the I'm not amused, but I'll humor you smirk. It is so fun to draw them out of you. You are quite ticklish and I love hearing your little belly laughs when I run my fingers down your ribs. You watch with wide eyes as your siblings caper around you and sometimes let out guffaw at their antics.

You have the most beautiful chocolate brown eyes. I love their seriousness when you stare at my face. I love how they light up in the morning when I come get you out of your crib.

You don't growl as much as your siblings did, but you do use your growl on occasion. Mostly when you are really annoyed or really happy. Your most favorite thing to do is blow raspberries. You do it when your happy and it is also your preferred method of letting me know you're full and don't want any more food. You love it when someone blows a raspberry back at you. Your whole face lights up.

Your favorite toy is any remote control. Yeah, so much for actual baby toys. You also like things tat are easy to hold and will fit into your mouth.

You are a good little eater, even though you have gained hardly any weight. You weigh a little over 14lbs. Your pediatrician is worried about you, but he hasn't been able to find anything wrong thank goodness. I pretty sure it's because you won't take a bottle and are still nursing. Peas and carrots just don't have very many calories! So far you have liked every kind of food I've given you. Some you like more then others, but you'll eat them all. Hopefully I can convince you to drink out of a bottle or cup soon. You aren't sleeping through the night yet. You usually wake up once or twice, but since you're such a light weight I figure you can use the snacks.

My dear Samantha. You are such a blessing. You bring our family so much fun and joy. We are so glad God gave you to us. We love you!

Remembering You

I want to remember, but sometimes the dates flow in and out of my head. They get mixed up in the day to day rush. Does that mean I forget? Does that mean I don't treasure you and value your lives? I think some would say yes. They would say that their grief is deeper then mine and more painful because they do something special on the date that they have chosen to give meaning to. While I, perhaps I passed that day scolding your siblings and surfing the Internet. Which day is more special and should be remembered? The day I was expecting to hold you in my arms for the first time? The day your precious life was lost to us? The day I found out there was a you? The day I buried the seedling hopes and dreams growing in my heart?
 

 I don't think there is one right answer. I think whatever you do, if it helps you heal, it's the right thing. Even if you simply try to forget. I treasure all the days I mentioned above because they were all I got. I don't remember on a specific day, I remember you always. When I hear a baby cry. When I stare into your little sister's chocolate brown eyes. When your big brother plays with his toys alone. When your big sisters talk about having more siblings. When I pass a ceramic lamb. When I hear the word grief. I remember that there is a you. Two little yous. Sometimes when I remember I smile. Most of the time I still cry. Then I wipe my eyes and find the nearest of your siblings and hug them as tight as I can. That is one of your gifts to me. When I remember you I remember how blessed I am to have each of your siblings laughing, playing, fighting, growing under my roof. I am thankful.

I hope you are keeping each other company. I hope you get to play together in a beautiful place. I'm glad you never have to feel scared or hurt. I don't know what meeting you will look like, I'm almost scared to think about it or try to imagine it. It brings too many questions. I just have to trust that whatever that moment is, it will be perfect. Because God loves me and He loves you. That is the one truth I absolutely know.

I love you. I remember you in my way. Even if no one else sees it or thinks it's special, I hope you know that the love is there and that I remember.