Nobody Knew

I happened across this poem yesterday and the timing seemed providential. I can hardly believe that it has been three years since my first miscarriage. In some ways it feels like yesterday and at the same time, I feel so much older then I did then. This poem puts into words exactly what I have felt, so many times in the last three years.

Nobody Knew You

~ Jan Cosby

Nobody knew you
” Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn’t have been very far along.”
…existed.

Nobody knew you
” It’s not as though you lost an actual person.”
…were real

Nobody knew you
” Well it probably wasn’t a viable fetus. It’s all for the best.”
…were perfect.

Nobody knew you
” You can always have another!”
…were unique.

Nobody knew you
” You already have a beautiful child. Be happy!”
…were loved for yourself.

Nobody knew you
…but us.

And we will always remember
…You.

Powder

"Exactly one day in your life your kid will ski as good as you do. The next day, he'll ski better than you." ~Warren Miller

Ski Bunnies

Christoph was able to take the girls skiing yesterday. All three of them were very excited. A family friend and his two kids went too. I was happy to stay home with Micah. :D


Christoph was able to take Emily once last year and she had a blast and had been asking to go again. He was a little nervous about taking Katrina since she is pretty young, (4 going on 5) but of the two girls she is the more adventurous. After hearing Emily's stories she was excited about the idea. Things started off bumpy, Christoph actually called me a bit worried that the entire day was going to be horrible and half-debating turning around and coming home.


Gotta give you the back story. Right before Christmas break from school Katrina had a classmate who got sick and vomited in front of the entire class. Ever since she has been completely petrified of all things related to vomit. I'm sure it doesn't help that because of being pregnant I've been tossing my cookies pretty frequently. She had several weeks of huge fear, almost panic attacks related to going to school, just on the possibility that someone could vomit. If she hears the slightest gag she will run as fast and as far as she can.



You've probably figured out where this is going. On the several hour long drive to the mountain a couple of the kids started to feel car sick. Katrina FREAKED out. When Christoph called to let her talk to me she was crying hysterically and just kept saying, "Please Mommy I want to go home. I don't want to go skiing, I just want to stay with you. Please don't make me go." over and over. I was able to talk her down a little and between me and Christoph she kinda pulled herself together. Fortunately, that was the worst part of the day.

Ski School

Emily and Daddy

Christoph and Emily skied in the morning while Katrina did ski school and then they all skied together in the afternoon. The girls did really well and from what I've been told they had a blast.

Emily on the lift

Katrina on the lift

The Last Christmas

Last year (I think) we got a new Christmas album. It was Sixpence None the Richer's "The Dawn of Grace". We listened to it several times over the Christmas season and I remember hearing this song, but I don't think I actually listened to the lyrics. I put some Christmas music on the other day and the words of this song just jumped out at me. It is now MY song for this Christmas. It just speaks so clearly of what I am feeling and thinking right now. I love it.

Ok, I realize anyone reading this knows full well that we are expecting a new baby.  Just in case any strangers wander by my blog I'll throw this out there. A fourth little Neumann should be joining us on or around May 28, 2011. We are so excited.

Back to my song. =) If you want to hear it, here is a link:

I start crying just reading the lyrics and I don't think it's just the hormones. Although, I don't take them completely out of the picture either. =)

The Last Christmas

I feel your heart beating
Inside my own skin
And I think of Mary
In Bethlehem
That night in a stable
Our Saviour was born
Yes, we have so much
To be thankful for

On the last Christmas
The last Christmas
The last Christmas
Without you

We're choosing the colors
Preparing your room
For one day; Midsummer
The advent of you
Together we wait for
A heavenly gift
Is winter a wonder?
Enchanted that this is

The last Christmas
The last Christmas
The last Christmas
Without you

See the stars shining from above
Hear the seraphm singing
Praise to the Giver of Life and Love
Maker of Beautiful things..

I feel you heart beating
Inside my own skin
And I think of Mary
In Bethlehem
When darkness was shattered
The dawn of God's grace
And the journey'd begun
To the first Easter day

On the this Christmas
The last Christmas
The last Christmas
The very last Christmas
The last Christmas (x 3)
Without you

Mom

Well this is a few days after the fact, but it's been hectic around here. Thursday was my Mom's birthday. It was nice to be able to celebrate her birthday before she and my Dad returned to Ecuador. They were here for three weeks, but it went by in a blink. My Mom is great. I will be the first to admit that I've always been a Daddy's girl. Growing up I think I often took my Mom for granted. I loved her, but I don't know how much I really thought about how great she is. The older I get, combined with having become a mother myself, the more I realize how amazing she is. She is very creative and delights in making all sorts of things for her family. She is a wonderful cook. She is kind and loving and an amazing listener. She is wise and a better nurse then I'll ever be. Mom, I am so incredible blessed to have been raised by you and to have you for my Mother. I hope I can have the kind of relationship we have with my own daughters. I love you!

Someone's Three

Katrina Bee, you are three. My happy little go-lucky girl. You are growing so fast. How can it be possible that you are turning into a little girl right before our eyes?

This last year has been a busy one for you. You learned to use the potty. You started preschool. You figured out how to amuse yourself while your big sister is away at school. You got a baby brother, who you love to pieces. You have risen to every challenge and embraced each one. You bring happiness to everything you touch.

You keep us entertained with your mis-pronunciations and unique view of life. You are a busy little girl. You love to explore and work to understand the world around you. You climb and get into mischief much more then your older sister ever did.

This year you developed a love for drawing and coloring. Your favorite thing to do is make "projects" and use copious amounts of paper every day toward this end. You have not lost your love of babies and playing dress-up. If anything it has only grown.

You are still my little snuggle bug. You love to be cuddled and always want me to sing to you as you fall asleep for your nap. You can not be without your blankie. It is a strong bond.

You have a strong love for food that has not abated with age. You especially love anything sweet. You always want to know if you are going to get dessert. It is so wonderful that you are not a picky eater and love almost anything I give you. You also love to help. You especially love to help in the kitchen, but you are willing to help just about anywhere. You are so good at getting things for me when I have my hands full with your little brother.

You are a smart little girl and are doing wonderful in preschool. You know your ABC's and can distinguish all of the letters by sight. You know your colors, shapes and numbers too. It's good that you're smart because you are also tall. You are consistently above the 90% on the growth charts. That, combined with how well you speak and express yourself, makes people think you are older then your actual age. Even your Dad and I make that mistake sometimes! We find ourselves getting frustrated with some behavior and thinking you are too old to be acting that way! Then we realize, "Wait, she just turned three, she is supposed to be acting that way!"

Sweet Katrina, the last three years have been so much fun. Being your Mommy is an adventure. I hope I can help you keep your love of exploration, I hope I can teach you when to blaze forth and when to use caution, without being fearful. I hope I can foster your servant's heart, using that spirit to teach you important life skills and what a gift helping others is, and not squelch it with my impatience. I love you! Watching you grow up is so much fun!

Six Years

*Editor's note:  This post was slated to be published closer to March 29, 2009. Unfortunately due to scheduling constraints there was a delay. I hope this in no way affects your enjoyment. Stay tunned for further postings which are also past their deadline.

Emily Marie. I'm not sure who told you it was ok to grow up. Last time I looked you were still a sweet little toddler, now suddenly you're a sweet girl, not even a little girl anymore. Almost all traces of your babyhood are gone and sometimes I can even catch glimpses of the woman you will become. The chubby cheeks and tummy have faded into long thin legs and a gentle smile. I can't lie and say I don't feel a little sad that my baby is disappearing, but how sad can I be when the girl you have become is so wonderful? There are so many things I love about you. Your sense of humor, especially the glint in your eyes when you are being subtly funny. Your love of learning and of teaching others what you have learned. Your compassionate heart. Your gentleness with your baby brother. Your loyalty to your friends. Your creativity. Your love for your little sister.

I still see little girl wonder in your eyes. I'm glad about that. I hope you can hold on to that wonderment for the rest of your life. You have learned so much this year. How to read, how to write, how to add and subtract, how to speak Spanish. You've learned how to ride the bus and find your way to your classroom. You've learned more complex conflict resolution skills. And you're starting to learn piano. You absolutely love to pass all your new found knowledge on to Katrina.

You still love to play dress-up. You love to draw and color and all kinds of crafts. You still hate to perform in front of people. You don't like change. You prefer to have plenty of warning about activities so you can have time to think through how things will go. When you need to make a decision, you carefully consider all your options. Sometimes you take things a little too seriously.

I love you so much. I hope I can teach you to take life as it comes. To cope with the unexpected. To be flexible. I hope I can help you hold on to your creativity and believe in yourself. I hope I can help you understand how amazing our God is and how much He loves you. I hope you will always trust me, even though I make mistakes all the time. I hope you never doubt my love. The last six years have had their ups and downs, but through it all you have been a gift. I can't wait to see what the years ahead have in store.

December Twenty-Fifth

Christmas Day! Well, I couldn't choose just one picture for today. I wish you all a blessed and belated Merry Christmas! I hope it was a wonderful day, surrounded by those you love. May God bless you in 2009!

December Twenty-Second

Today I feel like I really didn't do much of anything. Somehow, the day after I work always seems to pass in a fog of tiredness and lack of focus. Despite feeling unproductive, at the end of the day it was nice to sit on the couch with my honey and put my feet up. Doesn't get much better then that.

December Eighteenth

Katrina's Christmas program was rescheduled for tonight. This was her expression pretty much the entire program. She didn't sing a single word. I was all prepared to cry, but I couldn't stop laughing at her stunned face. That was probably for the best, I hate crying in public. She knew all the songs and would sing them with all the motions at home, but she got a major case of stage fright when the big moment came.

December Fourteenth

It snowed today! This morning there was a thin layer over everything. The snow was still coming down, but not sticking very much. The girls, needless to say, were pretty excited. On the way to church Katrina looked at me with shining eyes and said, "It's Christmas time, Mommy." That just about sums it up. All the snow had melted by this afternoon and everything was just wet. Then at about 6:00pm it started snowing again, and snowing and snowing! For us, this is a lot of snow. I'm fairly certain school will be canceled tomorrow!

We usually get snow for a couple of days each year. It's just about the right amount for me. Enough to be fun, but not enough to be a hassle. Usually, the snow doesn't come until January, but this year it's come early. Part of me thinks this is really fun, it makes Christmas seem more Christmassy. The other part of me feels a little stressed out. I'm trying to get ready for our Christmas company (arriving Wed) and having two kids not going to school will make that more complicated. I also worked an extra day so I could hire someone to help me clean (yea!) and I'm worrying that they are going to cancel on me because of the weather. I know there's no point in worrying, I'll just do the best I can, but it still sneaks in every once in a while. Snow is so beautiful, I'll just have to remind myself to look out the window and know that will make me feel better!

Happy Equinox To You

It's officially Fall. Although Spring is my most favorite season, I think Fall is second. I love the crispness in the air and the leaves changing colors all around me. I think too, the melancholy mixed with cozy happiness feelings Fall inspires go with my personality quite well. The weather has been so strange this year, so far it hasn't felt like Fall at all. We've actually had some of the best weather of the summer! The last few days though, have been chilly and much more Fall-like.

Christoph was out of town for the weekend at a church retreat. when he got home on Sunday I decided to take a little walk to get some time to myself. It was beautiful out and I was noticing little touches of fall color everywhere. It got me very in the mood for Fall. One of my favorite things since moving to the northwest is seeing the migrating Canadian Geese. I love their patterns in the sky and their slightly mournful honking. There is a big field near our house where they tend to gather for a rest in their flight. I've been longing to have a better camera so I could take some cool zoom pictures of them. Wouldn't you know it, after four years, I get my camera and the farmer totally plows up the field! So, right now it's just a huge expanse of dirt and I haven't seen any geese there this year! I'm bummed. I do know of another place I've seen them, so one of these days I'll have to leave Christoph with the kids and go on a photo taking expedition. Anyway, happy Fall to you all! Make yourself a cup of something warm, snuggle up with someone you love and just soak it in!

Milky Smiles

There's a little phenomena that happens between a mother and her baby that I will call a milky smile. I've seen it with all three of my kids, but managed to forget about it until recently reminded by Micah. For me at least, it doesn't seem to be a long phase, it mostly happens when a baby first starts to smile and is exercising their new skill as much as they can. And of course, you have to still be breastfeeding. I want to remember it this time. The unabashed delight at seeing me in the morning, contrasted so sharply against my five year old's crankiness as I pry her out of bed to get ready for school.
Have you ever noticed that babies are almost always morning people? At least at the beginning. They may outgrow it later, but early on everyone is a morning person. Maybe it has something to do with all the naps during the day. So, here's the set-up. Take a snuggly, warm, just woken up baby. His diaper is changed and he is just soo hungry since it's been four hours since his last dark, nighttime feeding. As soon as you sit down, he almost lunges for your breast, sucking greedily. Then he glances sideways up at you, and he's just so happy to see Mommy, he can't help but get a huge grin, but he can't stop eating to socialize, he's much too hungry for that! So, it turns into this hilarious lopsided smile wrapped around a breast with milk dribbling out everywhere. You just can't help but smile back. It's so funny and cute looking at the same time. Then back to eating, but wait there's Mom-Milky smile-back to eating, and repeat.

Why do I think this is so special? Only a Mother will ever see that face, that angle, that expression. A baby can smile around a bottle no matter who's feeding him, but there just isn't that same intimacy, that same angle with the sideways glance. It's something unique between a breastfeeding Mother and her baby. A little slice of pure joy to soothe your sleep deprived consciousness and get you started on another day.

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Congratulations to Kristen and Rebecca. I wish you many moments of joy, and here's hoping I win something for once! =)
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Virtual Baby Shower

Making Lemonade

We took a little trip down to LA last week. Christoph had some paternity leave and we decided to use it to travel instead of just sitting at home. It was a fun time seeing friends and family, some of which we hadn't seen in years. We also got to meet our new cousin Spencer who is just a couple weeks younger then Micah. It was really fun to have the two little cousins "meet" each other.

I was a little worried about Micah and a road trip, but all the kids did really well. Micah slept great in his car seat and the girls kept themselves entertained without too much whining. Emily had a blast playing with all her "new" friends.

One highlight for both girls was being able to pick lemons right off our friend's tree and make lemonade out them. It was fun to watch them experience the entire process from start to finish.

Lemons!

 

Picking

 

 Prepping

 

Waiting Anxiously

 

Success!

Thank you to everyone who hosted us and made time to see us and hang out. It was a lot of fun!

Eight Years

Today is my anniversary, or should I say our anniversary? Anyway, you get the picture. It's a little hard to believe it's been eight years, although in some ways it feels like we've just always been married. I'm not really sure what I want to say in this post. I'm married to a great guy and I consider myself to be very blessed to have him. He is a great provider, a hard worker, considerate, patient, loving, kind. He is a wonderful father. I love how he can turn almost anything into a teachable moment, in a fun way. He has never balked at doing his share of all things in childrearing. He is so patient with me, always willing to listen. So, I love you Christoph! Thank you for all you do!

On a less sappy note, what have the last eight years entailed? It's interesting to me to think about what "life milestones" we've accomplished together.

*We have moved four times, including to a different state

*Purchased our first and second house

*Completed two degrees. BSN for me, Master's for Christoph

*Had children

*Bought a new car

*Invested money

*Got life insurance

*Started a business

Ok, so this is just a small list of things that come immediately to mind. Two people who are married go through so many things together. I mean those are just big things. How about all the little decisions and tasks that you do together everyday? I know single people do a lot of these things too, it's not the doing them that's the point, it's the doing them together. You can't help but be close to someone you've argued with, cried with, laughed with, everyday for years. I think of all the things that have happened, how we've grown and changed over the past eight years and it kind of blows me away. It's only been eight years! Imagine after being married 25, 50! I hope I never take any of it for granted, because I know the day to day can easily become mundane and expected. I'm so glad not to have to do life alone! I love you Christoph!

Springtime

Spring is my favorite season. Especially since we've moved up here to Oregon. After the cold, rainy winter, I love the more temperate sunny days and seeing the flowers and plants popping up all over and bursting into bloom. This spring has been a bit of a weird one here. The weather was warming up and then we had freak hailstorms, snow, rain, all in the course of one day. It was vacillating a lot between cold and warm. At one point it snowed a little and according to records it hadn't snowed in Corvallis that late in the year since the early 1900's! I love spring because the weather is sunny, but not hot. I love the cool weather and watching the clouds constantly changing. I have to admit that I haven't minded that the weather has stayed cold, being as I'm in the end of my pregnancy. On the days it's been in the 80's I've felt sooo hot. Lucky for me, only four more weeks, so I'm not worried about the weather suddenly making me miserable. ;) Here are some pictures I took when spring was first starting to peek it's head.

Valentine's Snapshots

Happy Valentine's Day! Here are some glimpses of my day (the good parts). I am a bit sleep deprived and that does not mix well with whiny children. Christoph gave me tulips, I went shopping, took Emily to swimming lessons, babysat, helped Emily get her Valentines ready for school tomorrow, and now I'm going to relax with my hubby and watch a movie. Hope your day was great and you felt loved!

Pictures of my Life

So, last Saturday I turned thirty. It's been a crazy week and quite honestly I don't feel any different. I wanted to put these up sooner, actually on a day by day basis, but that didn't happen. Oh well. My birthday itself was pretty low key, I had to work the day before and after, so it was just a nice day of being lazy and hanging out with the fam. My brother Joel watched the girls so we could catch a movie. It was a relaxing day. Anyway, here's the pictures I took...Things that I'm thankful for, impact my life and make me happy. They are:

Lounging in front of the fire


 Katrina's curls
 


 Emily's eyes
 

 Swiss Rolls
 

 Eating fruit
 

 Elmo's World


 Taking care of my babies
 


 Wii
 

 My darling husband
 

 The promise of Spring
 

 The love of friends.
 

Life is good!

Übergeek

I found this website on the Haragen's blog. Being married to Christoph I always wondered how much of a geek I truly am. I must say I was a little pleased with the results. 51% isn't bad. Then Christoph took the test. Oh my gosh! He scored 93%! They designate that as supreme nerd, while I am only lightly nerdy. Maybe I'm only as geeky as I am from living with him for the past (almost) seven years. I suppose I'll never really know.

My only beef with the test is the designation of nerd. While Christoph and I were dating, he quite seriously informed me that there is a difference between a nerd and a geek. They are not the same thing, as the layman might think. My personal definition is a geek has all the intelligence of a nerd, is perhaps a little more tech savvy, with none of the social awkwardness. So I have decided to change my husbands designation from Supreme Nerd to Übergeek. (Insert cheesy romantic sigh here) My hero!

Eleven

Here we are, only one short month until your first birthday. I am trying to cherish every second of your last month as a baby. You are crawling towards toddlerhood as fast as your little legs will take you.

This month you went to your first wedding! Your Uncle Peter was married on February 10th, so we had a little road trip down to Woodland CA. You did very well in the car, and were a good girl for the most part. You got pretty impatient during the wedding. Thank God for your Auntie Brooke and Auntie Amy. They were so helpful and kept you entertained by feeding you a banana. Daddy was in the wedding and so was Emily. I was trying to help her make it down the aisle, so I was very thankful that they were willing to hold and entertain you during that time.

You are pulling yourself up to stand now and have taken a few steps holding on to things. You started crawling up the stairs. It freaks me out a bit, but you are very steady. As soon as you decided to crawl up I started working to teach you to safely crawl back down. I want you to be able to navigate the stairs safely. You caught on pretty quick and are loving having more of the house to explore.

You still love to play with your ball toy. You also love to play with anything that Emily is playing with. She has learned to keep her stuff up high.

You have a ready smile and a mischievous twinkle in your eye. Your are babbling Ma-ma-ma now too, but not really associating it with me or Da-da-da with Daddy. I can tell you have a lot to say though and it's going to be bursting out before we know it. You have learned a couple of baby signs, "more" and "hungry" which you seem to enjoy using.

I am really enjoying being your Mommy. You make me smile and laugh and I love you cuddles. Thank you for bringing so much sunshine into our family. We love you!