Nobody Knew

I happened across this poem yesterday and the timing seemed providential. I can hardly believe that it has been three years since my first miscarriage. In some ways it feels like yesterday and at the same time, I feel so much older then I did then. This poem puts into words exactly what I have felt, so many times in the last three years.

Nobody Knew You

~ Jan Cosby

Nobody knew you
” Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn’t have been very far along.”
…existed.

Nobody knew you
” It’s not as though you lost an actual person.”
…were real

Nobody knew you
” Well it probably wasn’t a viable fetus. It’s all for the best.”
…were perfect.

Nobody knew you
” You can always have another!”
…were unique.

Nobody knew you
” You already have a beautiful child. Be happy!”
…were loved for yourself.

Nobody knew you
…but us.

And we will always remember
…You.

The Last Christmas

Last year (I think) we got a new Christmas album. It was Sixpence None the Richer's "The Dawn of Grace". We listened to it several times over the Christmas season and I remember hearing this song, but I don't think I actually listened to the lyrics. I put some Christmas music on the other day and the words of this song just jumped out at me. It is now MY song for this Christmas. It just speaks so clearly of what I am feeling and thinking right now. I love it.

Ok, I realize anyone reading this knows full well that we are expecting a new baby.  Just in case any strangers wander by my blog I'll throw this out there. A fourth little Neumann should be joining us on or around May 28, 2011. We are so excited.

Back to my song. =) If you want to hear it, here is a link:

I start crying just reading the lyrics and I don't think it's just the hormones. Although, I don't take them completely out of the picture either. =)

The Last Christmas

I feel your heart beating
Inside my own skin
And I think of Mary
In Bethlehem
That night in a stable
Our Saviour was born
Yes, we have so much
To be thankful for

On the last Christmas
The last Christmas
The last Christmas
Without you

We're choosing the colors
Preparing your room
For one day; Midsummer
The advent of you
Together we wait for
A heavenly gift
Is winter a wonder?
Enchanted that this is

The last Christmas
The last Christmas
The last Christmas
Without you

See the stars shining from above
Hear the seraphm singing
Praise to the Giver of Life and Love
Maker of Beautiful things..

I feel you heart beating
Inside my own skin
And I think of Mary
In Bethlehem
When darkness was shattered
The dawn of God's grace
And the journey'd begun
To the first Easter day

On the this Christmas
The last Christmas
The last Christmas
The very last Christmas
The last Christmas (x 3)
Without you

Mom

Well this is a few days after the fact, but it's been hectic around here. Thursday was my Mom's birthday. It was nice to be able to celebrate her birthday before she and my Dad returned to Ecuador. They were here for three weeks, but it went by in a blink. My Mom is great. I will be the first to admit that I've always been a Daddy's girl. Growing up I think I often took my Mom for granted. I loved her, but I don't know how much I really thought about how great she is. The older I get, combined with having become a mother myself, the more I realize how amazing she is. She is very creative and delights in making all sorts of things for her family. She is a wonderful cook. She is kind and loving and an amazing listener. She is wise and a better nurse then I'll ever be. Mom, I am so incredible blessed to have been raised by you and to have you for my Mother. I hope I can have the kind of relationship we have with my own daughters. I love you!

Indian Summer

I think it was Anne of Green Gables (via L.M. Montegomery) who said, "My life is a graveyard of buried dreams." It sounds like something the dramatic, young Anne would say. Well, my blog is a graveyard of buried posts. I get idea for posts all the time, but it seems I only get around to writing about a third of them. This summer we did so many fun things. I wanted to write about a lot of them, but it never happened. Part of the reason is I had so many pictures I felt overwhelmed in sorting through them and figuring out which to include. So, I turned to Flickr. I've spent a lot of August playing around on Flickr. It's wonderful and addictive. My thought is that instead of cluttering up my posts with lots of pictures like I usually do, I'll have one or two, directly linked to Flickr, and the die hard (ahem-Grandmas) can click and see more pictures there. Well, by the time I got that figured out, summer was over and no posts! So, I thought I'd just give a little summary and a slide show and call it a day. Too bad for me I didn't know that dumb wordpress has a bug that won't let me display the slide show I made. So, I'll include a link at the end.

On July 4th we took off for California. We spent a little over a week visiting friends and family and having fun. It was great to see everyone! One of the many highlights for the girls was picking lemons straight off the tree and making lemonade out of them. Thank you Heastys for opening your home only two weeks after having a baby and Bartles for giving us a place to stay all week and entertaining us to boot! Thanks to all of you who fed us and gave us great fellowship-you know who you are! We had a blast.

A few weeks later we went camping for the weekend with a group from our church. I was nervous about going camping with a six week old, but it went surprisingly well. The girls had a blast being out doors surrounded by friends for two whole days.

This was followed up by a visit from my Dad who got to meet his new grandbaby for the first time. I love having my Dad around. It's really fun watching him interact with my kids.

The rest of the summer was spent picking all kinds of berries, going to the pool, visiting the Oregon Coast Aquarium and even going to the beach a couple of times. The summer blew by and now school has started and it's gone. I hope we made some good memories for our kids. If not, we made some for ourselves!

Slide Show 

**Well, in the process of moving/updating my blog I see that Slide.com will soon be no more. All the pictures from the slide show are available as a Picasa Album, so if you'd like to look at them you can click on the link.

Reddy or Not, Here It Comes

So, time for complete honesty. I don't very often write these types of posts. Whenever I do, I re-read them and think they sound too whiny and end up deleting them. If there's one thing that drives me crazy it's someone who whines about how bad off they are. I so don't want to come across that way. On the other hand, I don't want to be one of those people who is always putting on the facade of everything being roses until they are about as real as Dolly Parton's girls. So, here goes.

There aren't many things I really HATE about parenting, but two things spring immediately to mind. 1) Sippy cups of milk that mysteriously disappear into the unknown and then suddenly appear days, weeks, months later for you to rip out of your child's hands seconds before they try to suck down the cheese inside, spontaneously causing you to feel like the world's most negligent mother and worst housekeeper at the same time. 2) Potty-training. How can so much pressure, guilt, fear, and dread be contained in one little word? I hate potty-training. I try to laugh it off, roll my eyes and pretend like it's no big deal, but it is. I know for some potty training is a breeze, and for others it is, at worst, a slight annoyance. For me it is something like torture. I don't think any other area of parenting has caused me to shed so many tears, spend so many hours discussing, reading, and worrying. Everyone and their mother has some little tidbit of advice to share. I've probably heard them all. I've probably tried them all. Still, it lurks like a bad tooth, never knowing when it will flare-up again and what will trigger it. Nothing to me carries as much stigma and guilt as being the mother of a child with potty problems.

Some of you may be wondering, "What the heck is she talking about?" A little back story for you. We started potty training Emily when she was about 2 and 1/2. We are still potty training her. That adds up to three years of ups and downs, worry, guilt, fear and second-guesses. I won't go into all the gory details, my 20/20 hindsight, all the things we've tried. Suffice to say, we have a very stubborn, independent child, with two stubborn, inexperienced parents. It was not a good combination in this case. She will go days, weeks with perfect success, then suddenly, for no reason we can figure out, there will be accident after accident, ranging from small smears to major blowouts. And yes, we've talked to the Pediatrician about it.

I try very hard to keep these feelings to myself. Of course I talk to Christoph about it, but I don't want to put the burden of my guilt and frustration on Emily. The feelings are still there though, no matter how hard I try to hide them. I feel so sad that my beautiful little girl, who is so smart and talented and sweet cannot seem to master this basic skill. I feel guilty that somehow I caused this and I am not a capable enough mother to teach her how. I feel frustration that I can't find any helpful answers. I feel angry when some insensitive person makes some useless recommendation as if I'm just not trying hard enough and don't care. I feel alone because I don't know anyone who can really relate.

Maybe you're asking yourself why all this is suddenly coming to the forefront. Well, it's time to start potty training Katrina and I'm scared to death. I've been putting it off, making excuses, procrastinating, but I no longer can. This morning Katrina almost yelled at me, "No more diapers, I want panties!" Before you get too excited, she has still not actually gone in the potty. And she pooped three times today. It's not going to be a miraculous transition. As I cleaned poop off the toilet, the floor, her potty chair, and her, I just wanted to cry and run. Instead, I took pictures of my enemy, the potty chair. Weird, I know, but it did distract me until I could get my feelings under control.

I hope I don't sound devoid of hope. Like I said earlier, I am pretty stubborn. I don't give up easily. So, I'll stick with it, using the knowledge I've garnered in our experience with Emily, and hopefully coming out on top. I cling to Jesus' admonition not to worry. I try my best to lay my fears and burdens at his feet. Unfortunately, I seem to keep taking them back. Fortunately, each day is new and I get the chance to try again, praying His grace will cover my children, and help me conquer my nemesis.

Birth

One cool thing about living in a college town like Corvallis is the academic opportunities that pop up. I admit I haven't really taken advantage of them up until now, but on Wednesday I got the chance to. There is a cultural anthropologist at OSU who wanted to study more about the birth process and so she became a midwife. On Wednesday she held a screening of The Business of Being Born proceeded by a panel discussion. It was pretty interesting. The movie makes you think about the whole way we do birth in the US. I have thought about it before, since I worked as a labor and delivery nurse for two years and have given birth twice, but I wasn't aware of some of the statistics they quote in the movie. I thought overall that it was a good movie, although somewhat biased towards home birth. It did help cement my opinions toward birth and the birth process which have been slowly forming over the past ten years. If you're interested, here it goes.

I think women sell themselves short and don't give themselves enough credit. I have heard so many people jump to the epidural option without even considering that they might be tough enough to handle it. I think each birth is a unique case and should be treated as such, and labor has so many facets and circumstances that affect it. I don't think getting an epidural is a bad thing, and I am more comfortable with the idea of a hospital birth, but I think home birth has something to be said for it too. It's a complicated subject. Even though women talk about it all the time, most of the time it's just a sharing of horror stories instead of encouraging each other to gain knowledge and stand up for what we want. When I was a labor and delivery nurse I was often frustrated by all the paperwork and tasks I had to do. I felt it took time away from my patients. At the same time, most women want their labor to be as quick and pain free as possible and hospitals try to facilitate this, not necessarily to the patient's benefit. Also a lot of women have an idealized image of what their birth experience should be and are very upset when/if they don't get it. This makes it a very highly litigated area in the medical field which I think effects the nurse's care. If you are constantly afraid of being sued, you focus a lot on paperwork and procedures instead of the person. I don't have any easy answers, but the strongest feeling I came away from the movie with was, we need more education. Education for doctors, nurses, women, spouses, everyone involved in the process. At least it's a place to start. I recommend this movie to anyone who will be involved in the birth process in some way during their lives, at least as a starting point. It does have a few graphic c-section scenes, and their are lots of boobs, so be forewarned. :)

Looming Thirty

I'm going to be turning thirty in a little less then two weeks. I hadn't really been thinking about it that much, it was just there, one more birthday. I have been feeling older, but I think that's partially related to being pregnant and having no energy. I try not to think about the fact that in two weeks my metabolism will bomb and it will be even harder to lose weight. :) Then I was on my way to work a few weeks ago and was listening to NPR. Weekend America was on and they did a little spot about turning thirty. They mentioned that for a lot of people turning thirty brings a lot of pressure, pressure to get a job, get married and start a family. They also mentioned that in 1960 70% of thirty year olds had done those things. In 2000 it was less then 40%. I'm sure there are a lot of reasons for this, not the least of which is, some of those aren't such popular goals anymore, and there is less urgency to do them. The spot went on to interview a girl who felt she had accomplished the goals she set for thirty by the time she was twenty-eight. So, for the last year of her twenties she decided she would do something new every day. Most of them were small things, but she seemed to be having fun with it. So, I started to think about turning thirty a little more. I never really thought specifically about setting goals to accomplish by thirty, and yet, I have accomplished the "typical" landmarks. I'm married, have started a family, and even have a "career". I am happy to have those things and I think thirty would be more depressing for me if I didn't, but...I kinda wish I had done something more personal to commemorate the last year. Now there is less then two weeks left and no time or energy to do anything spectacular. However, I'm not going to give up that easily. I thought about it and decided to take a picture of something every day that I am thankful for, that impacts my life, or just makes me happy. So, here is the first one:


It's a little silly, but I love snow. It's so pretty and peaceful looking. It takes the ordinary, everyday and completely changes your point of view. It's really easy to appreciate when we don't get very much of it! :) (Sorry, I couldn't choose between the two pictures.)

All Around Me

As most of you know, the new job I started back in February came with a built in commute. I decided that since I would only be there 4-6 times a month I could deal with having to drive an hour each way. Although I don't enjoy this drive at 11:30pm when I'm tired from working 8 hours, at 1:30pm it is generally pleasant. Unlike my commute when we lived in southern California, it's not an hour because I'm driving 12 miles in traffic, it's an hour because I drive 50 miles on a two lane highway. I get to look at green fields, farmhouses, trees, sheep, an occasional stream, and once even a deer leaping through a field. It's pretty peaceful and it gives me time to think.

On my most recent drive to work I was listening to my new Margaret Becker CD (Thank you, honey for the great Christmas gift) Just Come In. I have been a Margaret Becker fan since I first heard her music when I was 15. There are several reasons she is one of my favorite artists. I enjoy her music style and I love acoustic guitar. I like her throaty voice and most of her songs are in the perfect key for me to sing along and feel like it sounds halfway decent. Most importantly I think she has great lyrics. Her songs spoke to me when I was a teenager, and they still do today as a wife and mother. I think that says a lot. I'm the kind of person who the lyrics are almost more important then the music. If the words are lame, I lose patience with the song real quick.

So, I was driving to work, enjoying the sunshine and the beauty around me, listening to great music and the song Feel It All came on. It says:

"I think I heard your voice floating on the evening wind/ And felt you near in the touch of a friend/ This is life as it should be this is life complete/ Cracking the surface of every breath and finding you there/ In the center of it/ In the beauty of the morning in the rhythm of the rain/ In the symphony of laughter as it plays across a face/ In the colors of creation painting sunsets in the fall/ I want to feel it all"

I consider myself to be a sensory person. Sound, feel, sight are all important and make experiences much more meaningful to me. Listening to this song made me appreciate even more the beauty on my drive to work. It was also a good reminder not to take things for granted, and to remember to appreciate God's presence in the things around me. Here are a few places that have stood out to me lately...

* Emily's shining eyes as she shares a new epiphany
* Katrina's tight, spontaneous hugs
* Hearing and seeing the geese flying back north
* Drinking a hot cup of tea and watching the rain
* Smelling the roses my husband brought me

I don't know if it's appreciating the small things or seeing God's work in everything around me. Either way I find myself more grateful and more aware. I hope you feel God's presence all around you!

2008

Well, it's a new year and I've been itching to get back to blogging. At the same time I have so many other things to do and don't really want to do anything but sleep. We had a snow day on Mon, so I took advantage and finally took our Christmas tree down. Before I launch into talking about things in this new year, I feel I should acknowledge the year that just ended. I confess I'm pretty much copying friend's ideas. I like both Amy and Sara's blog posts, so I'm kinda combining the two. Thanks ladies for the inspiration! Here's a list of my favorite things about the past year, in no particular order:

1. Moving to a new job that challenges my nursing skills.
2. Christoph getting a new job so I can work less hours.
3. Hearing Katrina say "I love you" for the first time.
4. Laughing when she turns it into a game and says it over and over and over.
5. Seeing Emily make a big decision (ears pierced) and not turn back, even when it involved pain.
6. Celebrating Emily's 4th and Katrina's 1st Birthday with a all-day family day.
7. Learning I can fly internationally by myself with two small girls.
8. Watching my daughters experience the sights, smells, and tastes of my childhood.
9. Seeing Katrina grow from a baby to a full-fledged toddler.
10. Seeing Emily's turn into a lanky kid before my eyes.
11. Celebrating seven years of marriage.
12. Getting a new car.
13. Traveling.
14. Strengthening friendships.
15. Getting a new sister-in-law.
16. Having a healthy pregnancy.
17. Going through Emily's first bout with the stomach flu and finding it less horrible then I had imagined.
18. Slowly (very) organizing my house.
19. Being able to go to Ladies night more consistently.
20. Seeing my parents several times.
21. Participating in Water Babies with Katrina.
22. Seeing Emily dance ballet.
23. Watching Christoph excel in his new job.
24. Having a wonderful husband who appreciates the little things.
25. Seeing Emily write her name for the first time.
26. Having Katrina spontaneously say "thank you".
27. Enjoying Emily's first knock-knock joke.
28. Exercising consistently for three months.
29. Using the rain as an excuse to stop.
30. Having a reason to take naps.
31. Discovering Snapfish and making a photo album of each of the girls first year.
32. Rediscovering the joy of being home in the evenings.
33. Watching the Amazing Race.
34. Seeing grass in my backyard.
35. Going away for the weekend with my hubby.
36. Finding out Emily can be brave when the situation demands it (stitches).
37. Watching Katrina's sense of humor develop.
38. Watching my husband hang out with my Dad and brothers and enjoy it.
39. Seeing my girls play with each other.
40. Snuggling with my girls, even as they outgrow my lap.
41. Hearing Katrina's sweet mispronunciations.
42. Being able to communicate with Katrina.
43. Having Emily love Bible stories.
44. Playing new Nintendo DS games
45. Finding time to read.
46. Taking moments just to drink a cup of tea and watch the world around me.
47. Trying new recipes and finding them good.
48. Splurging on a new stroller.
49. Getting my dream diaper bag for a fraction of the cost on Ebay.
50. Having my family love me, loving them back, and telling each other everyday.

It's been a year full of new experiences and growth. I'm having fun watching my girls growing up and hopefully helping them learn and develop. this year promises even more growth and change, as well as new challenges, I'm sure. Ready or not, here we go!

No Worries

Generally, I do not like e-mail forwards. Occasionally a friend will send me a choice forward that is very funny or I can relate to my life, but for the most part I get these sappy cheesy forwards that just make me groan. And, no offense to any one out there, as soon as I see anything that says, forward this to ten friends and/or get blessed/cursed/a special surprise, it just makes me so annoyed I have to delete it immediately.

So, all that to say, I got an annoying forward the other day, but I have to admit it made me think a little. It was discussing the topic of worrying about your kids and if that ever goes away. It goes through various stages of life and what worries about your kids you have in each stage. It ends with the person in their 60's saying,

Can it be that parents are sentenced to a

lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another

handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of

human frailties and the fears of the

Unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue

that elevates us to the highest form of life?

One of my children became quite irritable

recently, saying to me, "Where were you? I've been

Calling for 3 days, and no one answered, I was worried."

I smiled a warm smile.

The torch has been passed.

So, what that says to me is you stop worrying about your kids when they start worrying about you. And that worrying somehow makes you better. Umm...no.

I don't consider myself to be a huge worrier. I think worrying is human, it's hard to be completely worry free. At the same time I try to adhere to the Biblical principal of "worry not about tomorrow, for each day has enough trouble of it's own". I believe God is in control and if I trust and follow Him he will work everything out. Of course I also have a vivid imagination, so I won't deny that if anyone is late my mind starts going to injured bodies lying on roadsides; and I do look at my children at the top of a play structure chortling with glee and have a flash of them at the bottom screaming in pain with something broken. However, I refuse to let that dominate my life. So, what's my point? Where am I going with this e-mail forward? It made me laugh and shake my head because now, more then ever, I can worry about everyone! I think this might be the most worrisome period in life. Maybe it's just me, but I think back to high-school, and college, and I pretty much just worried about myself. Then I got married and started adding Christoph into the mix and my little brother who was in college now too (I felt a little responsible for him). Now I worry about my kids, my husband, my brothers, my parents. If that e-mail is right and parents pass the worry torch when their kids start worrying about them, that happens way before their 60's and when they also have their own kids to worry about. Personally, I think we never stop worrying. Once you add someone to your worry repertoire, they never get taken out, you just keep adding more. It's part of loving people. That's why we have to brace ourselves, face the fear, stamp it down and above all trust God. Besides, usually it's the thing I didn't think to worry about that actually happens. ;)

I'm Mean

I work as a nurse in a children's clinic. So, a big part of what I do every day is give kids their immunizations. Of course they always cry, and it is the part of my day I like least. On the other hand, I know it's only a momentary pain and that they will get over it pretty quick. After I give the shots I usually leave the room ASAP so the kids can get comforted by their parents and not have me there reminding them of their suffering. Or making them afraid something else bad is coming. Sometimes I get dirty looks from the kids, but usually they are focused on Mommy or Daddy's hugs. Last night, however, was a first. This cute little four year old gets his shots, then he is standing on the table getting his hug and he looks over his parent's shoulder, points at me and yells, "You're mean." Ouch! You gotta love this job.

I just have to get up on my soapbox for a second. Two of my biggest pet peeves at my job are:
A. When parents walk in to the clinic saying, "You're going to be mad soon," "Oh you're not gonna like this" and "You won't be so happy in a minute." Why not just keep a positive attitude and let the kid judge the experience for themselves, instead of telling them at the very beginning that they are going to hate it!
B. When parents don't give their kids any warning that they are getting shots, pretend like everything is so great, and make the nurse do a sneak attack. That just seems twice as mean to me. The kid is all happy and then suddenly it's like, "What the heck just happened!"
Are these the only options for doctor's visits? Where is the balance? How about just explaining what's going on. It's fun to see the doctor, he listens to your heart and looks in your ears. We get to see how much you grew. Then you have to have a few shots. It hurts, but it keeps you from getting sick and then you get stickers! Maybe even a trip to get ice cream. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think an informed child can cope better. In the long run, visits to the pediatrician help them learn that sometimes life hurts, but the rewards are worth it. :)