My Truth

**I wrote this, obviously, the day after my second miscarriage. I didn't post it. I felt too vulnerable and afraid. My heart was raw. Now, two years later, I think my feelings have worth enough to be out there. I didn't then. I'm going to post it to acknowledge those feelings. Who knows, maybe it will help someone else who is going through grief.  I'm going to post it on the day it was actually written, to keep things organized, even though I'm hitting publish on 1/26/12.
I do appreciate the friends who reached out to me, even if you said the wrong things. Most of the time I was able to look past your words and see your heart. I know how hard it is to reach out and find words to say to someone who is grieving. I'm sorry I didn't feel I could trust you with my grief and kept a lot locked inside, only to burst out at inappropriate times and in inappropriate ways. Thank you to the friends who stuck with me even when I was mean and withdrawn and confused as I worked through all my emotions. I treasure you.

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I so badly want to write about this. It sucks that I feel like I can't. It's my blog and I should be able to be honest about my feelings if and when I want to. I don't think anyone really reads this thing anyway, but...there's a chance that they do. The possibility is there. They might read and just never say anything. If they do and they read this they might get their feelings hurt that I didn't tell them what was going on. That they didn't know I was pregnant. For the fifth time. I don't know how to explain that i was afraid to hope. I felt to vulnerable to share my fledgling joy. That the possibility of this day coming was why. I don't have answers to all the inevitable questions, and the potential "why, why, why?" Aggh!
 
Basically, I feel like grief is a luxury I can't afford. I wish I could, but I just can't. I have three kids to take care of. They don't go away. Everyone wants a piece of me, even the well meaning ones. I don't want to feel like I have to explain myself. I don't want to feel like somehow, since I already have three kids this shouldn't be a big deal. That's what you're thinking aren't you? I can hear you!

"What do you have to be sad about? It's not like you aren't a Mother already. You probably couldn't handle another kid anyway. I mean, common, just admit it, you didn't really want another baby, did you? You were just doing it for Christoph. Maybe God's trying to tell you three is enough. You're always saying how tired and stressed out you are and how you can't handle three kids. How can you think you can manage four?"

I'm not trying to be a Drama Queen. I have had people say or imply all of these to me in the last few months since my first miscarriage in Oct. I have had some of them repeated in the few interactions I've had since yesterday.

Well, I am sad. I want to go away and sit and cry until I can't cry anymore. Too bad for me life doesn't stop just because you have two miscarriages back to back. You still have to take care of your kids, get them to school, feed them, wash their clothes, brush their hair. Your husband has to go to work, at both jobs. He has to go on a retreat and travel out of town for work. You have to go out to dinner and celebrate you Mother-in-laws birthday. You have to smile and go to church.  You have to go to work and take care of other people's babies! You have to plan birthday parties. You have to be present. And eventually you have to see the friends that know, and meet their sympathetic looks and accept their loving hugs, and answer the always present question of "How are you doing?" I don't care how I'm doing! I don't know "how" I'm doing! If I had a choice I wouldn't be "doing" at all. I would be not "doing" so, it doesn't really matter now does it? I am forcing myself to "do" what has to be done and that is the only "doing" there is for me right now.

I did want another baby. I wanted the first expected one that I lost in October and I wanted the surprise one that I lost yesterday. I will keep wanting them as long as I live.

Mom

Well this is a few days after the fact, but it's been hectic around here. Thursday was my Mom's birthday. It was nice to be able to celebrate her birthday before she and my Dad returned to Ecuador. They were here for three weeks, but it went by in a blink. My Mom is great. I will be the first to admit that I've always been a Daddy's girl. Growing up I think I often took my Mom for granted. I loved her, but I don't know how much I really thought about how great she is. The older I get, combined with having become a mother myself, the more I realize how amazing she is. She is very creative and delights in making all sorts of things for her family. She is a wonderful cook. She is kind and loving and an amazing listener. She is wise and a better nurse then I'll ever be. Mom, I am so incredible blessed to have been raised by you and to have you for my Mother. I hope I can have the kind of relationship we have with my own daughters. I love you!

Back To Life

Hi everyone! Did you think I disappeared off the face of the earth? No? Well, can't say I'm surprised. I know the only people who actually read this blog are a few close friends and family. You're all my friends on Facebook, so you've been kept fairly up to date. :)

I'm not real big on New Year's resolutions, but I would like to blog more consistently this year, even if only for myself. Facebook updates are quick and easy, but not quite the same as blogging, you know?

So, how to keep myself being more consistent? I've noticed that for me, photography and blogging seem to fall in the same category. Creative outlets that help preserve memories. I always seem to get distracted by life and forget to pick up my camera. (Take my parents recent visit, almost no photographic evidence.) I also seem to get stumped as to where to start when I sit down to blog. I've noticed that having a photo seems to inspire my blogging. So, I've decided to follow in my friend Amy's footsteps and take up a Year in Pictures Project. I really hope I can stick it out, and I hope my pictures will be fun, beautiful and full of memories. hopefully I can grow as a photographer and a blogger!
I know I didn't start right at the beginning of the year, but hey, we're only three days in, right? Here is my picture for today. Christmas break is over and today was all about squeezing in every last bit of relaxing we could before school starts again tomorrow. I am so not ready for that!

Someone's Three

Katrina Bee, you are three. My happy little go-lucky girl. You are growing so fast. How can it be possible that you are turning into a little girl right before our eyes?

This last year has been a busy one for you. You learned to use the potty. You started preschool. You figured out how to amuse yourself while your big sister is away at school. You got a baby brother, who you love to pieces. You have risen to every challenge and embraced each one. You bring happiness to everything you touch.

You keep us entertained with your mis-pronunciations and unique view of life. You are a busy little girl. You love to explore and work to understand the world around you. You climb and get into mischief much more then your older sister ever did.

This year you developed a love for drawing and coloring. Your favorite thing to do is make "projects" and use copious amounts of paper every day toward this end. You have not lost your love of babies and playing dress-up. If anything it has only grown.

You are still my little snuggle bug. You love to be cuddled and always want me to sing to you as you fall asleep for your nap. You can not be without your blankie. It is a strong bond.

You have a strong love for food that has not abated with age. You especially love anything sweet. You always want to know if you are going to get dessert. It is so wonderful that you are not a picky eater and love almost anything I give you. You also love to help. You especially love to help in the kitchen, but you are willing to help just about anywhere. You are so good at getting things for me when I have my hands full with your little brother.

You are a smart little girl and are doing wonderful in preschool. You know your ABC's and can distinguish all of the letters by sight. You know your colors, shapes and numbers too. It's good that you're smart because you are also tall. You are consistently above the 90% on the growth charts. That, combined with how well you speak and express yourself, makes people think you are older then your actual age. Even your Dad and I make that mistake sometimes! We find ourselves getting frustrated with some behavior and thinking you are too old to be acting that way! Then we realize, "Wait, she just turned three, she is supposed to be acting that way!"

Sweet Katrina, the last three years have been so much fun. Being your Mommy is an adventure. I hope I can help you keep your love of exploration, I hope I can teach you when to blaze forth and when to use caution, without being fearful. I hope I can foster your servant's heart, using that spirit to teach you important life skills and what a gift helping others is, and not squelch it with my impatience. I love you! Watching you grow up is so much fun!

Six Years

*Editor's note:  This post was slated to be published closer to March 29, 2009. Unfortunately due to scheduling constraints there was a delay. I hope this in no way affects your enjoyment. Stay tunned for further postings which are also past their deadline.

Emily Marie. I'm not sure who told you it was ok to grow up. Last time I looked you were still a sweet little toddler, now suddenly you're a sweet girl, not even a little girl anymore. Almost all traces of your babyhood are gone and sometimes I can even catch glimpses of the woman you will become. The chubby cheeks and tummy have faded into long thin legs and a gentle smile. I can't lie and say I don't feel a little sad that my baby is disappearing, but how sad can I be when the girl you have become is so wonderful? There are so many things I love about you. Your sense of humor, especially the glint in your eyes when you are being subtly funny. Your love of learning and of teaching others what you have learned. Your compassionate heart. Your gentleness with your baby brother. Your loyalty to your friends. Your creativity. Your love for your little sister.

I still see little girl wonder in your eyes. I'm glad about that. I hope you can hold on to that wonderment for the rest of your life. You have learned so much this year. How to read, how to write, how to add and subtract, how to speak Spanish. You've learned how to ride the bus and find your way to your classroom. You've learned more complex conflict resolution skills. And you're starting to learn piano. You absolutely love to pass all your new found knowledge on to Katrina.

You still love to play dress-up. You love to draw and color and all kinds of crafts. You still hate to perform in front of people. You don't like change. You prefer to have plenty of warning about activities so you can have time to think through how things will go. When you need to make a decision, you carefully consider all your options. Sometimes you take things a little too seriously.

I love you so much. I hope I can teach you to take life as it comes. To cope with the unexpected. To be flexible. I hope I can help you hold on to your creativity and believe in yourself. I hope I can help you understand how amazing our God is and how much He loves you. I hope you will always trust me, even though I make mistakes all the time. I hope you never doubt my love. The last six years have had their ups and downs, but through it all you have been a gift. I can't wait to see what the years ahead have in store.

Disneyland!

So, as I mentioned we went on a trip to California a week ago. Christoph had to travel down there for work. Since his plane ticket and the hotel were paid for, we started talking about taking the whole family down. After checking out ticket prices, the trip quickly morphed from maybe, to definitely, to definitely and throw in Disneyland. We were all very excited.

So, off we went. It was a very fun, very exhausting trip. I took advantage of Christoph being at work all day to catch up with friends. It was soo nice to hang out with them, see their kids, have our kids play together, and just talk. Then of course there was Disneyland!

Disneyland was a blast. So, having lived previously in Southern California, I've been to Disneyland before. However, I must say, going with kids is a whole different experience. As an adult, if you go on a low traffic day and are hardcore you can see and do Disneyland in one day. With kids, you could go for a week and not run out of things to do. Out of necessity, the pace is so much slower. Plus, they care about the experience, not just the rides. So, I was a little caught of guard at how little we did over the span of two days, but at the same time I didn't feel ripped off at all. It was so great. The girls absolutely loved it and they had such a great time. And we did do a lot! Katrina says her favorite ride was Dumbo. Emily really loved Pirates of the Caribbean and Big Thunder Mountain Railroad.
You can see more pictures on Flickr, just click on the picture. We came home exhausted since we were up late almost every night and the kids weren't being very cooperative about their naps, but it was worth it. I would do it again in a second. Lisa, Heather, Amy, it was so great to see you guys. Thanks for hanging out with me!

Remembering

At the end of January we traveled down to California. More about this in a little bit. While we were there I stopped by Forest Lawn where Christoph's grandparents are buried. It was an unplanned trip, but we were in the neighborhood and I felt compelled to stop. I mean, we aren't in that area very often and it seemed wrong to pass up the opportunity. Of course, explaining what I was doing to the kids was a little more complicated.

I mean, what do you say...This person who was related to you, but you have no memory of, is dead and buried here and we're stopping by to visit? I mean the whole concept of visiting a graveside is a little strange. Especially for a Christian who knows that it's just the person's body and they're nowhere around. So, that got me thinking, why did I feel the desire to stop at all?

I think the reason is because I know how much she meant to Christoph. She played a huge part in making him who he is and I know he misses her. She was kind to me and I know she would have loved to meet her great-grandkids and hold them and spoil them. So, we stopped. We left some pink roses because pink was her favorite color. It was nice to sit on the hillside for a minute, look out over the city and tell my kids a little about their great-grandmother and what a neat lady she was. Nana, you are not forgotten.