Saturday, January 28, 2012

Remembering You

I want to remember, but sometimes the dates flow in and out of my head. They get mixed up in the day to day rush. Does that mean I forget? Does that mean I don't treasure you and value your lives? I think some would say yes. They would say that their grief is deeper then mine and more painful because they do something special on the date that they have chosen to give meaning to. While I, perhaps I passed that day scolding your siblings and surfing the Internet. Which day is more special and should be remembered? The day I was expecting to hold you in my arms for the first time? The day your precious life was lost to us? The day I found out there was a you? The day I buried the seedling hopes and dreams growing in my heart?
 I don't think there is one right answer. I think whatever you do, if it helps you heal, it's the right thing. Even if you simply try to forget. I treasure all the days I mentioned above because they were all I got. I don't remember on a specific day, I remember you always. When I hear a baby cry. When I stare into your little sister's chocolate brown eyes. When your big brother plays with his toys alone. When your big sisters talk about having more siblings. When I pass a ceramic lamb. When I hear the word grief. I remember that there is a you. Two little yous. Sometimes when I remember I smile. Most of the time I still cry. Then I wipe my eyes and find the nearest of your siblings and hug them as tight as I can. That is one of your gifts to me. When I remember you I remember how blessed I am to have each of your siblings laughing, playing, fighting, growing under my roof. I am thankful.

I hope you are keeping each other company. I hope you get to play together in a beautiful place. I'm glad you never have to feel scared or hurt. I don't know what meeting you will look like, I'm almost scared to think about it or try to imagine it. It brings too many questions. I just have to trust that whatever that moment is, it will be perfect. Because God loves me and He loves you. That is the one truth I absolutely know.

I love you. I remember you in my way. Even if no one else sees it or thinks it's special, I hope you know that the love is there and that I remember.

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